Always Been Real
by Tessa.Love is Dangerous
Summary: "You're real." I simply whisper, brushing a stray lock of hair out of her face..."I've always been real."
1. Chapter 1

{Peeta's POV}

The days go by slowly as we heal, day-by-day, month-by-month. We each still have our days, ones where even Haymitch can't get Katniss out of bed, drowning in her sorrow from her fighting days. Days where I can't even hear Katniss's voice before I have to grip a chair back to stop myself from hurting her.

But we have our good days too. Days where nothing can bring us down, smiling brightly, thankful for all the living, and our own lives,

The darkness receding back to their shadowy depths.

It's on days like today, that I'm thankful for everything I have. Staring down at Katniss's sleeping form stretched out next to me, her rosy lips slightly parted as she exhales, her dark brown hair fanned out across her pillow, in smooth gentle waves, her fingers slightly twitching as she reaches for something in her dream, that I'm thankful for my love for Katniss Everdeen.

I frown slightly as I sit up, making sure not to pull the covers off of Katniss as I disentangle myself from the sheets and my prosthetic leg, moving towards the bathroom to get ready.

But does she still love me?

I feel sometimes that she feels like she still owes me, that's what's keeping her here instead of running to Gale, all the way in District Two. I feel like I'm a nuisance, just the shell of the man I once was, if that. I'm not even whole, my plastic skin, my missing leg.

I feel like she feels sorry for me, staying here just because I'm hopeless. She's free to move around after her prohibition was removed, but yet she still stays.

And sometimes I resent her for that.

The sun is barely up, just a gentle touch of yellow licking up the dark sky, the orange, pink, and red colors pushing the darkness away, bringing a new day and a new light to District Twelve, or what's left of it anyway, as I slowly and painfully strip my sweat slickened clothes off, some of my scars stretching and cracking, starting to bleed. I bite my lip as I watch the blood run down the drain of the shower stall after I stepped into the stream of warm water.

I look back up through hooded eyelids at the morning light as I remind myself to paint that view later after my first batch of bread is done, or before Katniss is up, as I gently massage some shampoo into my blonde locks. I stifle a groan when my hair hits my eyes, making them burn painfully.

When I have thoroughly washed what is left of my body, I step out of the shower, pressing the button to gently dry myself off. As the blow dryer warms up my body and my soul, I gaze at my reflection in the mirror, taking into account my too-long hair. I start from the top of my body, as Dr. Gray has told me to do, since he took over for my therapy after Dr. A died, and slowly take in what was left of Peeta the Victor.

The hair that gently tickles my cheekbones, curling slightly from the cool air hitting it, the burns that dance across my forehead and neck, breathing down across my well toned chest. The burns that run across my ribcage on my right side down to my hips, where they stop, until I look at my legs. One that is shining bluntly in the morning light from the kneecap down, the other that is badly scarred, bumpy ridges across my foot and thigh all the way up to the lower part of my hip.

Every day I look at myself this way, and every day I'm repulsed at the man I have become. My mother would have thrown me out, her lip curling in disgust, as she would have said, "No one will marry a man that looks like you. Even if they loved your personality, they would have left you after seeing how ugly you have become."

My father would have just stared at me sadly, unable to do anything as my mother bore down on me, sadly clapping his hand on my shoulder, gently rubbing salve onto my scars that would be showing when she wasn't around.

And then of course my brothers, who would just stare at me like 'who are you'?

And indeed, who am I? I'm not the same young boy who was thrust into the Hunger Games with his only love, the only girl that his mother had disapproved of, swore of, threatened of. I'm not the same young man who was lied to, used from, and taunted of from the Victory Tour. I'm not the same boy who had proposed to his true love, but only for a fake marriage.

I'm not the Peeta who had volunteered to go back into the Hunger Games for Haymitch, not Peeta who watched helplessly as Mags died, Wiress died, Chaff died,

Watched helplessly as I was picked up and taken to Capitol, to begin my tortures.

I make a strangled noise as I feel my breathing start to quicken. I clench my fists and step out of the warming air, forcing myself to think of something, _anything_, besides that.

I turn my thoughts over to Katniss, who seems to be having a relatively nightmare less night, sleeping soundly in bed right now, as I dry my hair. I think of how her face lights up when she sees me, her face sullen and ashen as I walk up to her coming home from my rounds, biting her nails furiously until she sees me walking up to her. Haymitch says that I'm the reason she's not in a depression right now; I'm the one who brought her back from the brink of darkness.

And then I snidely remark that she has Gale, and then he sighs, taking a drink from his flask and shaking his head.

'_You still aren't as bright as she is, are you? Not seeing the effect you have on her, on me even.' _He'll say over and over, but I always brush him off.

I contemplate on what Haymitch said to me as I pull out the pre-made dough I had extra of yesterday, placing it neatly on a pan, setting the oven to its temperature needed and lean back against the counter, watching the sun, slowly but surely, rise.

It reminds me of Katniss. She still isn't back to the girl I remember, but she still awakes every day, still faces the day with a new challenge, slowly making her way back to me.

And I wait. That seems like what I always do now. Wait for the train that carries monthly supplies for us, wait for more people to return to Twelve, wait for a bakery to be put up, wait,

Wait, wait.

But it's what I'm good at. My father always said I had the most patience out of our entire family, being able to make those beautiful cakes that took hours to create.

And I'll wait for Katniss to come back. I made a promise, and I intend to fulfill it.

When the oven beeps, and I put in the batch of bread for today, I find myself curled up in an armchair facing the rising sun, painstakingly recreating the scene before, intent on not moving.

But I only move when Katniss starts to scream. I throw my sketchbook to the side as I trip slightly over the uneven rug in the living room, up towards the stairs, where Katniss is still screaming.

"_Peeta!"_

I burst into the bedroom to find Katniss curled in a little ball, clenched hands over her ears and she screams again my name, sobbing loudly.

I crawl up next to her on the bed, whispering sweet nothings in her ear as I pull her taught form against my chest, rocking her back and forth. Her breath comes out in shaky shudders, as she tries to form words.

"Peeta…_Prim_…" Katniss sobs, clenching my shirt in her shaky hands.

I silence her by hugging her closer to me. When she sobs die down and she goes limp in my arms again, I slowly place her back on the bed. She instinctively curls up next to me and I slowly run my fingers through her silken hair.

It's not hard to imagine Katniss being my wife. I've dreamed of it often. Seeing her smile as she watches our children run through the meadow, a girl with hair just like hers, eyes like mine, and a boy, his blonde hair falling into his gray eyes like his mothers.

But, she's not ready, I don't know if she'll ever be ready for children, much less marrying me.

"It's because of Prim, Rue, Finnick, even President Snow, that I just can't Peeta." She'll say time after time whenever I bring up the subject of the cute children from the Seam that have come back with their families, catching onto the hidden message.

I'll just shake my head and sigh, rubbing her shoulders when she'd break down sobbing at the deaths of beloveds.

What she doesn't know, is that when she's crying softly at night, when she thinks I'm asleep, that I cry for the lost Katniss, the strong, fearless Katniss that broke down a nation we had all lived in, making it better, more like the old one, but she still is afraid even after ten months of nothing.

When Katniss comes downstairs in the morning, blotchy eyed and breathing shakily, I stand up from the couch where I was staring at the risen sun, indicating that it was ten in the morning, and hold out my arms. She squeaks out my name in a sob and throws herself into my arms, sobbing lightly into my shoulder.

"Not real." I breathe into her hair that smells like burning fire, lilies and primroses, evergreen trees and just the woods in general.

"Not real."

"But Peeta." Katniss sobs into my chest, balling her tiny hands into fists, pounding them lightly against my muscles out of pain. "It felt so real."

"They always do." I run my hand slowly down her back and back up again, soothingly, gently.

"Hey." I whisper into her ear after I had tucked my head into the crook of her shoulder. "How about some breakfast?"

Katniss nods shakily and I place a light kiss against her jawbone, pulling away slightly before she stops me, linking her fingers into the loops of my belt loops.

"Stay by me." Katniss whispers softly in me ear, fearfully, that she'll lose me if I move just the tiniest bit away.

"Always." I kiss her forehead softly and place an arm around her shaking shoulders. She wraps her arms around my waist and I lead her shaking form into the kitchen. When I try to have her sit down, she doesn't move.

"Katniss." I try to reason with her, gently trying to pry her hands off of my waist. "I need to get our stuff for breakfast."

"But you promised-"

"I know what I promised, but I'll only be gone a moment."

Katniss bites her lip hard and adverts her gaze towards the woods, tears making her eyes gleam brightly.

"Hey." I place two fingers underneath her chin, trying to make her look at me. "What's wrong?"

She just shakes her head, not looking at me, but at the trees that sway gently in the August breeze, the greens five different shades, making a kind of penetrating shield against District Twelve, guarding its secrets.

I sigh lightly; planting a kiss on her nose, knowing it's going to be one of those days. But this one really scares me. Something must have really shaken her up. She normally won't want to be near me, but now she can't let go of me.

I maneuver around her limp arms, grabbing a basket of cheesy buns I had made yesterday, balancing two plates in one hand, while watching two tipsy glasses in the other with the basket in it.

When I try to sit down, Katniss still won't let go of me.

"How about I grab a chair and put it next to me and we can hold hands during breakfast?" I whisper gently into her ear. She nods numbly and I reach around her to drag a chair next to mine at the end of the table. I untangle her arms from around me and intertwine our fingers together. Katniss just stares shakily at our joined hands, not moving.

I grab a cheesy bun and some wild berries she had picked yesterday, scooping them onto her plate, pouring her a cup of tea. Katniss remains unmoving.

I scoop out some breakfast for me too, starting to eat the berries, savoring the taste of the plump fruit as its skin breaks beneath my teeth, staining my front teeth purple.

Katniss slowly picks at her cheesy bun, staring blankly at the wall.

After a while of silence, I gently prompt her. "Katniss."

She turns her head slowly towards me, her eyes making my heart shatter. The normally burning, stormy gray eyes that stared at me with so many different expressions over the years, are shattered, haunted, pained.

"What happened?" I whisper, burying my nose into the crook of her neck. She shakes her head; silent sobs starting to wrack her body. I gently pick her up out of the chair as she clings to me tightly; gut wrenching sobs emitting from her mouth.

I slowly sit down with some pain from my prosthetic onto the squeaky leather couch she has in her living room. She curls into a tighter ball against me and buries her head into my shoulder, damping it quickly. I gently calm her down, holding her until her eyelids droop from exhaustion.

I coax her into a stretched out position on her couch, pulling a quilt her mother had made over her shaking body.

"Peeta." She whispers tiredly. I kneel down to her level and her eyes open tiredly, lazily.

"I love you, you know that right?" My heart clenches with something I can't decipher and she runs her hands lazily through my curls, pulling me closer until our noses are touching. I hold my breath, teetering on the edge of insanity, back to the hijacking part of my mind, when her lips softly press against mine.

I freeze fully, not daring to move, not daring to breathe as she softly moves her lips against mine. Her lips are slightly chapped, dampened from her tears that stain her face, and she breathes gently against my lips.

She falls limp, and I pull away, slightly crazed.

"Katniss?"

Nothing.

She's asleep. I try to hold back laughter of hysterics as I brush away the air from her face, slowly making my way towards her front door, bolting towards the safety of my home.

* * *

I spend the better part of my day stuck in my old painting room, screaming my head off, trying to deicide what's real and not real.

I start to go down the list;

My name is Peeta Mellark,

I'm eighteen years old.

Katniss Everdeen is trying to kill me.

_Not real…_A small part of my mind screams, but I'm too far-gone, too far off the cliff of insanity to hear the screams of calmness, of the old Peeta.

Katniss Everdeen is a mutt designed by the Capitol to kill me.

She used me for my love.

And I got hell in return.

The voice from before, fighting and screaming to be heard is gone, in its place an awful, horrendous sound filling its empty void. I realize that the sound is coming from me, from my parted lips that are curled in a devious snarl, laughing hysterically.

I don't know what thought propels me to leave my painting room, down the hallway, teetering precariously on the stairs and through my front door towards Katniss' house, but I do it. All too soon I'm at her front door, all manners gone. I slam the door open, making some of the windows shake in their panes as I stalk into the kitchen.

A small part of me prays, not a big part, _Please let me not find-_

"Katniss." I hiss through clenched teeth. Dark gray eyes meet mine in shock, turning slightly around as she places something on the counter slowly.

"Peeta?" Katniss whispers, slowly making her way cautiously towards me. I clench my fists, trying not to hit her.

"What's the great Mockingjay got up her sleeve today huh? Killing more innocent children or Victors?" I laugh without humor; so far gone I don't even care anymore.

"Peeta…" Her eyes plead with me, tears streaming down her face. I vaguely remember her crying just this morning into my shoulder and the thought repulses me. My lip curls back in disgust.

"Don't even try Katniss. I'm not playing your petty little games anymore." I shove her outstretched hand out of the way, slamming her against one of the kitchen walls. She doesn't even fight, just there limp, her throat barely moving against my arm that I am slowly putting more pressure on, intent on killing her.

"Peeta. Not real." Her soft throat moves slightly against my arm as she talks, and I remember the feeling of her life force slowly draining onto my hands as I had strangled her in District 13.

District 13…

"Did you destroy 13 too, my little Mockingjay?" I whisper venomously, my eyes narrowing. She doesn't move.

"What's it going to kill you finally Mockingjay? You just keep coming back, like…" I choke on the word, my vision slightly turning black. "Like tracker jackers."

I see Katniss dropping the tracker jacker nest on us, her red eyes shining in glee as we jerk uncontrollably from the venom, running towards the water. Remember Glimmer's bloated body as she twitched slightly, dying as the venom overtook her blood.

Katniss had pushed me against the kitchen counter, holding me back as I thrashed and screamed at her, "HOW DO YOU THINK GLIMMER FELT? HOW ABOUT MARVEL, RUE, EVEN FUCKING CATO?!"

Her bottom lip quivers slightly, but other than that, she shows no sign of hurt, sadness, or pain.

Damn, she won't give up easily won't she?

I twist my head to the side, feeling Katniss' body pressed against me, pinning me down. If I was sane, I would have flushed at the thought of Katniss against me like this, but the thought now just repulses me.

Something catches my eyes, and I flick them over to see what's lying on the counter, what Katniss had abandoned after I stormed in.

A half skinned squirrel.

I gasp slightly, memories washing over me at a hundred miles an hour. Hidden glances stole when she, a young girl of fourteen, would come by the back of the bakery to give us squirrels, my father generously paying back in things she needed. Hiding behind the stairwell, telling myself it was to make sure mother wouldn't see, but I knew I was lying, trying to see a glimpse at the girl I loved since 5.

All that exists now are pain, suffering, and loss as I think of my family,

Which Katniss had killed.

"Did you enjoy killing my family, dear Katniss?" Her face blanches and I try to see her reaction through the haze that has clouded my vision now.

"I'm so sorry Peeta." Is the last thing I hear before I black out, anger dissipating.

* * *

Choked back tears are what bring me back to consciousness. I vaguely can tell that I'm lying on a bed, covers hastily drawn up to my chest, my chest bare underneath the cool sheets. My prosthetic has been taken off and I feel a hand brush a damp lock of hair off of my forehead. I watch through hooded eyelids to see Katniss, watching me from her propped up elbows, whispering something.

By the darkness in the room, I can tell it's probably midnight. What's she still doing up?

"What I didn't tell you before, Peeta, is that my dream was about you." My breath hitches slightly, but I cover it up, trying to still look unconscious.

"You see, when you asked me to marry you before, I just couldn't…" A sob. "Couldn't do that to you. Be a wife that couldn't give you kids, fearing that they'd be snatched out from under our noses. Be the wife that triggers your flashbacks, fall deep into depression, one that you always have to comfort, but never comforts you back.

"My dream was horrific; I had just said yes to your proposal, but Snow had appeared, grinning deviously, impaling you with the arrow that killed Coin. She had grabbed me from behind and I had watched helplessly as you had died. You blamed me for waiting too long, for dragging you into all of this. I thought you wouldn't care about me.

"But seeing you tonight snapped something in me. You do care, I could see it in your eyes, a small sliver of pleading, begging me to run, but I let you say those things to me, slam me against a wall, because I realized that I do love you, Peeta, that's real. And I want to be your wife.

"Always."

* * *

My dreams are not pretty tonight. After Katniss had said what her dream was, and I had fallen back into unconsciousness, the nightmares finally had caught up to me, after our long game of painful tag.

Where I'm always the loser.

In my dream, I'm back watching Johanna's torture, but this time, it's Katniss being tortured.

"I told you that you were too late." President Snow hisses into my ear, blood trickling down the side of his dead lips, his eyes hollow but still like a snake while the rest of his body fades, decomposing before my very eyes.

Katniss screams, jerking and convulsing uncontrollably in the water, her face turning red as she breathes in water, the water crackling with energy from the tazors.

Bloody arms grab her limp body out from the water, Coin's arms, and shake her hard. Her head lolls on her shoulders, her eyes limply closed, but other than that, she doesn't look alive.

They shove her body back into the water, and I marvel how something so horrendous, could be so beautiful. The way her chocolate hair floats and gently swirls around her face, which is bruised but looks peaceful, her eyes shut like she's sleeping, her lips slightly parted.

She looks like she's lying in the water, gently rocking to sleep.

The water flashes, and her eyes snap open, milky in color, the gray completely gone, her arms breaking free of the restraints, reaching for me.

Her body jerks, but her gaze does not leave mine.

"Peeta, come and join me.

"Forever."

* * *

"Peeta! Not real!" My eyes snap open, my whole body jerking uncontrollably. Katniss' wiry arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me tight against her.

Wiry just like Wiress.

A hysteric, mental laugh bubbles its way out my throat and into the air. It echoes around the lit room from the sunlight, into the dark corners and back into my chest.

I vaguely notice that Katniss is dressed like she was out in the woods already, her hair in its perfect braid, the soft shirt always wears under her father's hunting jacket the only shirt she wears, getting stained from my tears.

I realize that Katniss is real, is here, safe and sound in my arms. I sob even harder, clutching her small body flush against my chest. She runs her hands through my hair, peppering kisses in my dampening hair, whispering 'not real' over and over again. Shuddering breaths tickle her jawbone as I try to compose myself.

She gently kisses me and I laugh sadly. She pulls away, her eyes sad and questioning.

"You're real." I simply whisper, brushing a stray lock of hair out of her face.

"I've always been real." She turns her head so her lips are brushing my hand lightly. I pull her into another bone-crushing hug, she hugging me back just as furiously.

I pull back slightly, looking her straight in the eyes.

"Marry me."

* * *

I slowly cut two pieces of bread of yesterday's loaf, which will be just fine for our small toasting. Katniss sits, head on her knees in front of the crackling fire, illuminating her face and arms as she stares silently at fire, a small, nervous smile tickling her lips.

I gently push her braid to her left shoulder, placing a light kiss on the crook of her neck. She shivers lightly and I smile softly, giving her one piece of bread.

She looks up at me. "You heard, didn't you?" I nod, and her face burns crimson.

"Hey." I whisper, gently tilting her head so she's looking at me again. "Do you know what my dream was about?"

She shakes her head, openly curious. "It was about losing you after you had accepted my proposal, seeing Johanna's torture again, but this time it was you." A small tear runs down the side of my cheek and Katniss gently brushes it away.

I pull back suddenly and the hurt in her eyes is so painful that I almost beg her to forgive me, but this is too important.

"Sorry." The apology slips out of my mouth before I caught myself. "I mean, I have one question for you."

Panic floods her eyes and her breath hitches. "How many?"

I frown. "How many what? Questions-"

"No, kids. Because I can't-I-"

I press a finger to her lips, silencing her. Tears flood her eyes, and she looks away again. "Not that. God Katniss, I'll never ask you to do that until you're ready. I just want to know…" I take a deep breath, steeling myself for the impact of rejection, or just nothing.

"You love me, real or not real?"

A small smile touches her lips as she turns back to look at me, nodding lightly.

"Real."


	2. Chapter 2

{Katniss's POV}

The day I find out I'm pregnant is the worst day of my life.

It started off like any other day in my marriage with Peeta for the last fifteen years. I sigh softly, prying my eyes open slowly, Peeta's arm wrapped limply around my waist. I turn slightly, not wanting to wake him up, but it doesn't matter, for when I turn, azure eyes meet mine, smiling softly as my husband gazes down at me.

I yawn softly, burrowing deep into his chest. He chuckles, placing a light kiss on my head. I pull back to gaze deeply into his eyes. His hair looks disheveled, falling to cover up his left eye. He looks exactly like he did so long ago. They had done something to him the Capitol that didn't allow him to have facial hair, which I'm secretly glad about.

Makes him look younger, I always say.

He laughs lightly as I tickle him in the side, twitching slightly. I curl my fingers so my nails are grazing his bare stomach, right in his sweet spot, the most ticklish spot on his body. His face is bright red as he tries to contain his laughter, biting his lip in desperation as he tries not to let me know that I am winning this battle.

Which I win most of the time. Sometimes Peeta wins, but it's really not that often. I decide that today, Peeta can win this so I tickle him once more in the side before hesitating slightly, drinking in the sight of my husband.

Peeta gasps, catching his breath slightly and suddenly I'm looking up at him, his weight slightly crushing me as he pulls my arms up above my head, his eyes sparkling mischievously as he gazes down at me, holding my wrists together as he whispers huskily in my ear, "You going to stop now?"

I nod, my eyes wide, a slight smile on my lips. I'm wide-awake now.

I shiver as he starts to kiss a trail of fire down my jawbone, into the crook of my neck.

"I had a great dream last night." Peeta whispers softly against my collarbone. I hum slightly as his hands slide down my hips, down my thighs.

"Want to know what is was?" I gasp slightly as his fingers ghost over the arches of my feet. I squirm underneath Peeta's body, trying not to laugh.

"Say it." I bite my lip, suppressing a bubble of laughter that's threatening to spill over my pinched lips. I shake my head and Peeta's other hand moves up to the crook of my neck, and it's even harder to keep quiet.

"What…did you…" I giggle lightly as Peeta scratches my foot, a devious grin on his face.

"Dream?" I push out of my mouth before snapping it shut again. I'm almost going to lose the battle and it hasn't even been five minutes.

He removes his hand from my neck, but still tickles me on the foot, just not as persistent.

"Well, if you must know, it has something to do with a little girl named Rose and a little boy named-" The laughter dies in my throat and my eyes harden. I shove Peeta to the side, already knowing where this conversation is going.

"Katniss…" Peeta reaches for my arm but I dodge his hand, tears clouding my vision. I stiffly change my clothes and storm down to kitchen, ignoring the pictures hanging on the walls.

Prim's drawing of the Meadow, my parents wedding picture, Peeta's parents wedding picture, and more recently our wedding picture Paylor had took from our broadcasted wedding.

We looked so happy…what happened?

I happened.

Every time Peeta brings this up, I always shut down, fall into survival mode. If I don't care or love anything, I'm not going to get hurt if something happens. That worked fine until I married Peeta. I always feel guilty, depriving Peeta from what he wants most in the world after me.

Children.

A stray tear falls down the side of my face as I set the plates down on the table with a loud crash. I hear Peeta's pounding footsteps echo from the stairs as I slam glasses onto the table, not even in their spots.

When Peeta comes down from the stairs, I slump heavily into my chair, laying my head in my arms on the table. I try to ignore, without success, the wonderful smells Peeta has in the kitchen after a couple on minutes. He doesn't speak to me, which is normal after we have this fight.

The wonderful smells of bacon, rising loafs, cheesy buns, and sugar cookies that Peeta has either taken out or has started to make. I'd never thought I'd admit it, but Haymitch was right. I could live a thousand life times and never deserve Peeta.

I just wish he knew that. I've told him time and time again that he deserves someone better, someone who will actually give him kids without question. But he just gets that stupid grin I love on his face, telling me that I'm like a kid to him, and he loves raising me.

But even I can see through that lie.

A plate gently is set on the table in front of my head. I blearily raise my head to see that Peeta has taken a seat next to me, watching me with sad, loving eyes.

"I don't deserve you, you know." I whisper in a broken voice, looking down at my plate.

"You deserve someone that will actually give you kids, someone that doesn't have suicidal thoughts every now and again. Someone who won't fall into a depression at any given moment." I whisper that last part, silent sobs racking my body.

"Katniss." Peeta whispers, placing his hand over mine. I look up to his eyes again as he slowly shakes his head. "I know you'd be a great mother, just like you were to Prim."

Just hearing her name sparks some hysteria that I thought was gone in me, to life. I laugh coldly, already going mental. "Yeah, and how did that turn out? She's dead, as is everyone else that I loved, except for you."

Pain flashes through Peeta's eyes as I pull my hand back. "Rue died, I buried her in flowers. That sparked part of the rebellion, people died. Finnick died, Boggs died, all because of me." I stab myself with my finger, anger taking over me.

Peeta slowly shakes his head. "Not real Katniss. They knew what they were getting into when they-"

"When they what Peeta? When they signed over their life to me? Annie had to raise little Finn by herself! And who was that because of? Me."

Peeta growls, standing up all of the sudden. "I hate it when you do that."

I laugh heartlessly, leaning back in my chair. "Oh goody, more poetry. Let's hear it."

"I hate it when you don't give a damn about your life all of the sudden, blaming everything on you!" Peeta is shouting, throwing his plate to the side. His eyes lock on mine and the gentle color that I normally see from him are gone.

Dark blue eyes that are furious burn deep into my soul are the only things I see now.

"For fifteen fucking years I've listened to you rant on and on about not being good enough, that you'd be the worst mother in history, and I've kept quiet about it, because I knew that if I just once said something about it, you'd explode, and I unfortunately can't lose you!"

I open my mouth to say something, but my voice falters me. Peeta never talks like this, not even when he's on a rant from his episodes. But the worst thing is that I know he's right.

"All I have to say before I leave is that, you'd be a way better mother than my mother ever was." He grabs his jacket, not meeting my eyes, and a second later; the front door slams shut, rocking me to the core.

* * *

I stare blankly at the lake, my feet going numb from the cool water.

I can't believe I was this cruel to Peeta, that he's felt that way for fifteen years. Why didn't he say something?

For the same reason I don't tell him about things that he does that annoys me. Some things are better to keep to yourself.

As I slowly make my way back to the phantom fence, I list the things that Peeta doesn't like. The list gets pretty long. As I see the bakery come into view from the branches of the woods, I steel myself for what his expression will be like when I tell him that I'm ready to have a child.

His child.

As I walk up to the back of the bakery, I freeze. Peeta laughs and I hear his gait come towards the back door. I duck behind a trash bin, unfortunately the one that Peeta walks over to to dump out some of the garbage he took out. He's mindlessly dumping the garbage out and I step back, and I accidentally step on a branch, which snaps. I freeze and Peeta looks up in shock and horror.

We stare at each other for a few seconds before someone calls Peeta's name.

"I'm coming Delly!" Peeta calls, still looking at me. I back up until I'm by the corner, Peeta's gaze burning into my skull. I pretend to bolt past the bakery and I listen intently as Peeta sighs and walks back into the bakery. I peep through a side window to see Delly making small talk with Peeta as her children run around the store, pointing out different things to their mother. Three girls, two boys, that all look exactly like her.

Peeta's face is so happy; I've never seen him look that happy in his life. Delly tells her children something, and they nod, moving to stand in a line. Peeta's smile is so bright as he gives each of the children their own personal cookie. They laugh delightfully and skip out of the bakery. Delly smiles warmly and hugs Peeta. He whispers something in her hair and she nods, pulling back, a sympathetic smile on her face as she waves goodbye. Peeta's smile falls the second she's out the door. He sighs deeply, a crestfallen look on his face, before he goes to the back room to start another batch of cookies.

He looks slightly to look out the window, and our eyes meet again. Tears stream down my face as I turn on my heel, bolting back to my house.

"KATNISS!" I hear Peeta shout. I look back over my shoulder to see Peeta try to catch up to me. I shriek, tripping over something. I tumble to the ground. One of Delly's kids is lying beneath me, laughing.

"Hello Katniss." Delly says lightly. She smiles and my head spins as I stand up quickly. Peeta has gained on me and I turn, not saying anything to Delly as I bolt towards my house, hiccupping softly.

When my house comes into view, I bolt faster, ignoring the pain my side as I slam into my door, fumbling with the keys to open it quickly. I slam the door shut, locking it, and slump against it, running my hand over my face, breathing hard.

A note is taped to the door and I grab it, flipping it open.

_~Katniss_

_Remember, your appointment is at three; I'll meet you there._

_Sae_

I curse, looking at the clock. 2 minutes to three. I had totally forgotten.

I grit my teeth, unlock the door, and bolt towards the medical clinic named after my late sister. Luckily I'm going away from the bakery, so Peeta can't see I'm going this way.

Once the clinic comes into view, I slow down a titch. I'm still not fully recovered from my last endeavor. Greasy Sae greets me, smoothing down my hair, bringing me into the building.

"Let me guess, you forgot." Greasy Sae teases. I grin slightly, "You know me too well."

She laughs, dragging me up to the front desk. A young lady is typing something into a computer, glancing up briefly. "Can I help you?"

"Katniss Mellark, here to see Dr. Gray." I hand her a slip for my appointment, and she grabs it, nodding as she turns back to her computer.

"Take a seat please. His nurse will be with you in a moment." I slip away from the desk, back towards where Sae is sitting.

"Thanks for coming." I breathe, staring down at my hands. Sae grabs one in her hands and I stare at how much we are different. We have the same skin tone, but my hands are permanently scarred from the war, so many things my hands have done. Sae's hands are labored, worn to the bone, but she still uses them for good.

"Anything for you girl." Sae whispers, a small smile on her face.

"Katniss?" Dr. Gray's nurse calls. I look up to see a girl of about sixteen years of age standing in the doorway, a clipboard in her arms. Her hair, chestnut brown, tickles her cheekbones, shading her chocolate eyes, her mouth twisted in a small smile.

I stand up slowly, Sae right behind me, and I nod. Her smile broadens and she beckons me to come with her. I follow her on hunter's feet to a room in the way back of the building.

"In here please." She motions to the open doorway and I trod in. I plop down on the examining bench and breathe in deeply. The room is white and sterile, much like the rooms in the Capitol, or 13. I clench my eyes shut and focus on breathing steadily.

"My name is Nancy, and I'll be helping you today." The girl smiles brightly, turning towards the desk to grab a needle.

My breath hitches. "What's that for?" Images of President Snow injecting Peeta with tracker jacker venom flood my vision and I slump backwards, so I'm lying on the bench.

"Not to worry Katniss, just a simple test, where I'll need to take a little bit of blood." A small stab hits my bicep and I cringe away from it.

"And…done. I'll be back in about five minutes with the results." Nancy smiles, closing the door shut behind her.

Once she's gone, Sae rushes up to me, helping me into a sitting position. "You okay?"

I breathe in deeply, nodding slightly. "I'll be better once this appointment is over, once I know I'm not for sure."

Something flashes through Sae's eyes before she looks away from me. We sit like that until Nancy comes back in, a mile wide smile on her face.

"Congratulations, you're pregnant." My heart stops in my chest, my face draining of blood. I scream, bolting out of the room and into the streets, straight towards our house. I don't stop screaming until I'm safely inside the house. I lock the door, slumping against it, as if I could just lock the announcement away.

"Katniss?" I jerk, turning to see azure eyes meeting mine worriedly. "You okay?"

I stare at him for a few seconds before sobbing, falling to the ground.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry about this morning, I have no idea what came over me."

If only he knew…

I grab his arms, pulling him down too, and cry into his shoulder.

I'm doomed.

* * *

I don't tell Peeta. He never knew. If he did, he never told me. I'm sitting in a tree, watching for game, when I hear it.

A low growl. I look down to see a grizzly bear is right underneath my tree, apparently trying to get something. I see that a beehive is right beneath my feet and I gasp.

_I stifle a scream as a tracker jacker stings my neck, but I keep sawing away at the branch, the Careers oblivious to it all. When I hear the branch snap, I shove it as far away from me as possible, watching as it falls to where the tributes are sleeping._

_They scream as the tracker jackers inject their poisonous venom into their bloodstream as they run towards the lake-_

A bee flies towards my face and I scream, swatting to get it away from me. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to grab a hold of the tree and I tumble to the ground, where the grizzly bear is.

I slam to the ground, the bear growling, and I ignore the pain in my ribs, stomach, and arm as I bolt towards town, the bear nipping at my heels.

Hot pain slashes through my stomach and right leg and I see the bear had gotten me on the leg. I try not to look at it as I race closer to the edge of the woods.

"HELP ME!" I scream at the top of my lungs, screaming when the bear hits my arms and back. I turn to look behind my shoulder, and my head snaps to the side as I crumple to the ground in a heap, warm liquid trickling down the side of my face.

The bear roars once before falling to the ground. A couple pairs of arms grab me as I slip towards the edge of unconsciousness.

"Katniss…"

* * *

"Prim…" I whisper, reaching towards my sister. She smiles, waving slightly.

"You've come!" she says brightly. Her hair is down, blowing gently in the wind. She looks just as old as she should be, 28 years old.

"Yep, we've made it." A voice says from my shoulder. I look down, startled, to see a young boy, probably no older than 12 years old, smiling from my shoulder at Prim.

"Who-"

"You don't even recognize your own son? I'm hurt." the boy says in mock sadness. His hair is brown like mine, same gray eyes, but slightly bluer, and he smiles up at me.

"But…"

"Come on Gabriel, let me show you around." Prim holds out her hand and the boy nods, walking up to her, taking her outstretched hand in one of his own.

"But what about me?" I cry, trying to run to them. Prim shakes her head.

"Sorry Katniss, but you're not like us. You'll be soon." She walks over and presses a finger to my forehead. I feel myself start to drift away, but not before she whispers,

"Peeta needs you still."

* * *

My eyelashes flutter open and a hand grips mine hard.

"Katniss." I look up tiredly to see Peeta standing next to me in blue scrubs, tears in his eyes.

"I'm so tired Peeta." I whisper, already slipping back into the throes of sleep.

"I know, this will be over before you know it."

"But Prim will be with me." I mumble, my speech mixing together in a slur.

"Just sleep."

* * *

After they told me that I lost the baby, that they had to do a surgery to get all the bits and pieces of rock and rubble from my skin, they say that if I ever get pregnant, it will be a miracle. My body's just to broken to have kids, they say.

I take this hard, but not as hard as Peeta, who hadn't even known that I was pregnant. The now present, permanent crestfallen look on his face was just too much to bear. So I take this to heart, living each day to the fullest. I have Peeta, and that's all I need. I don't lock myself in my room for days on end; I do more things with Peeta.

And when I find out I'm pregnant, I tell him right away.

Holding my baby in my arms after nine treacherous months of worrying, anger, pain, sadness, and pure happiness makes me the happiest mother I've ever heard of. Peeta says I'm positively radiant, holding my baby girl. He even draws the two of us together once.

Johanna and Annie with her son Finn come to visit, more than once, and I know that my daughter will have the best family in the world, the most protective ones too.

Even my mother visits, dragging along Gale too. I cry when they are at the door and we visit for hours. My mother-daughter relationship has finally mended and Gale and I are good friends now.

Rue is the highlight of my day, with her little giggles that light up the house, the way she's able to make Peeta and I feel better on the bad days, she's my little miracle.

So that's why I agree to have another child. Peeta and I will always be a patchwork of people, with their over-the-top problems, but Rue has helped us in so many ways,

That's when I decide to have a son for Peeta.

And we couldn't have been happier.


	3. Chapter 3

{Peeta's POV}

When Katniss tells me she's pregnant again, I burn a whole batch of bread loafs. Rose giggles as I try to put out the flames, her three year old giggles filling the whole room along with Katniss's laughs too. Soon I'm laughing and we all work together to clean up the bakery before heading home.

This pregnancy was harder on Katniss for the fact of they always were watching her closely and she couldn't overexert herself, which meant no hunting. She's been moody for the better part of the day, but when Rue would come home, she'd perk up. It disappointed me slightly, that Rue made her feel better and not me, but it was child's play.

But when she held little Finnick in her arms, she was the happiest person on the planet. The doctors told her she shouldn't get pregnant again, because it would harm her and the phantom baby greatly if she ever did again, so we agreed that Finnick was our last child.

I smirk as I watch Katniss try to wake Finn up. That kid can sleep through anything I swear. Her hair was back in it's signature braid, a forest green, skintight shirt covered her torso, and hunting pants and brown boots covered the rest of her. Our son snores softly in his crib. For a two-year-old, he slept better than Rue ever did. She'd always wake up in the middle of the night, earth-shattering screams emitting from her mouth, as if her own band of monsters chased her.

One night she told me there were monsters under her bed, and I didn't know what to say. Monsters aren't exactly fake; per say, as Katniss and I each have our own batch of monsters chasing us. I told her that they'd be gone every time she sings her lullaby, but she tells me they won't always be gone. I had to agree with her on that.

Finn snorts softly, rolling onto his stomach, and I have to swallow a laugh. Rue peeps through my parted legs to stare at her little brother. I press a finger to my lips and she nods, giggling lightly.

Katniss frowns, although her eyes are playful, and I know that there will be a tickling fight soon. I just hope I'm not in it.

I stare at Finn, with his perfect lips that he had gotten from Katniss, his blonde locks, his gray eyes that are shut right now, his little frown. He looks so much like Katniss and so much like me it's scary.

"Finn." Katniss sings lightly. He sighs, but doesn't wake. "Finny Finn Finn Finn." Katniss tries again. He stirs and I know that he's awake, but is pretending to be asleep. Katniss sighs in mock sadness before an evil smile crosses her face. Her hands curl slightly and she attacks him. He shrieks and Rose laughs, running from between my legs to join in on the fun. Katniss tickles Finn in the side and he rolls around in his crib, his face beet red as he laughs happily. Katniss turns to Rose and pulls her to her chest, tickling her under her arms, falling backwards onto the floor.

Rue screams in delight, and then wrestles her arms out for Katniss's grip, and I laugh at the thought of what's going to happen next. Rue reaches up to Katniss's neck and starts to tickle her without avail. Katniss laughs hard, rolling around on the floor.

"I gotca Mommy!" Rue shouts, her little face triumphant. Katniss sits up abruptly and smashes Rose to her, grabbing Finn from his crib and pulling him to her too.

"My children. Mine." She whispers, but even I can hear her.

I clear my throat, the smirks still on my face. "I have to disagree." Katniss looks up and I continue. "They are my children also. Without me, they wouldn't even be here." Katniss face distorts and she moans softly, rolling her eyes. She whispers something into their hair and they nod, giggling lightly.

"Ready? Go!" Katniss says suddenly and before I know it, I'm on the ground laughing hysterically as my children tickle me without giving up.

"This is what you get for messing with us Peeta." Katniss laughs evilly, though the smile on her face gives away the fact that she loves this as much as I do. She slowly stalks over to my convulsing form on the ground as my children continue to tickle me with any sight of stopping.

"Alright kids, I think that's enough." Katniss calls out after a minute. I look up to see her face right above mine. Something dangerous sparks in her eyes and shivers of fear run through my blood.

"It's my turn."

The kids nod, laughing brightly, and Finn sits on my hands and Rue sits on my legs, both preventing me from moving as Katniss sits on my stomach, an evil look on her face. She leans forward and slowly inches my shirt up until the bottom portion of my torso is showing. My face burns, my kids have never seen me like this, and she curls her fingers. I sharply intake a breath as she starts to lightly graze her fingernails over my stomach and I bite my lip, trying to contain my laughter.

Finally I can't take it anymore and I roll to the side, laughing hard. I take Katniss, Rue, and Finn with me. They all laugh with me as we lay on the floor like the perfect little family we are.

After awhile I gingerly peel myself off of the floor and sit up. Finn grips my hair hard to not fall and Rue grabs my nose. I groan lightly, smiling slightly as Katniss grabs Finn from me. I peel Rue from my nose and she giggles. I place her upright on the floor and she bolts down the hall towards her bedroom. Katniss shakes her head, laughing lightly as she shoos me out of the room to change Finn, telling me to make sure Rue 'doesn't burn down the kitchen.'

I chuckle, leaning against the doorframe, a smirk curling my lips. "Are you sure I shouldn't be worries about you? I mean, you almost burnt down my kitchen once."

Katniss rolls her eyes, shoving me out into the hall, slamming the door shut. I turn slightly on my heel and smirk. Rue normally always takes a long time getting ready, but I know she's buried deep in her pillows, reading until it's time to eat to get out of her chores.

I call out loudly, "Rue! I seek revenge! The tickle monster is coming to get you!"

I hear a scream and a laugh come from behind her closed door. I creep up as silently as I can and lean against the closed door. I hear light breathing from behind the door and smile darkly. I count to three before slamming the door open, a triumphant look on my face.

After a few seconds I frown. "Guess she's not in here." I say, turning around, walking back into the hallway. A second later, I hear Rue start to pad down the hallway. I turn around and laugh. "I found you!"

Rue shrieks, bolting down to the kitchen. I clomp down the stairs after her, yelling, "Gonna get'ca, gonna get'ca, gonna get'ca!"

She runs into the living room, me at her heels, and I wrap an arm around her waist, pulling her to me, picking her up, suspending her in mid-air. Rue's brown hair tickles my face as she giggles, looking down at me. I hug her like a baby and press kisses to her face, laughing, "I gotca!"

"Kid! Tone it down a notch!" Haymitch smirks from the front door, looping his thumbs through his belt loops. Ever since Rue was born, and after we asked him to be her grandpa, something snapped inside of him. He stopped drinking almost right away and came around to our house every day, playing with the kids and taking them to his for 'sleepovers' whenever I would have an episode.

I set Rue down onto the floor slowly, but not before I tickle her once. She jerks slightly, giggling, before running over to Haymitch and hug him around the waist.

"Guess what grandpa?" Rue asks as I beckon them to follow me into the kitchen. "What kiddo?" Haymitch asks as he sits down in his spot, Rue sitting next to him. I smirk as I start the stove, grabbing a pan to cook some eggs on. I grab some bacon from the refrigerator and grab an extra pan. I crack some eggs open as Rue whispers not so quietly, "I beat Daddy in a tickle war this morning!"

Haymitch smirks, looking up at me as I watch the bacon closely, making sure it doesn't burn.

"Did you now?" He still hasn't taken his eyes off of me. I shrug, a small smile forming on my face. "It was rigged anyways."

"DADDY!" Rue screams, her eyes wide. "How could you say that?!" I laugh as I set down a plate for her and Haymitch, Finn, Katniss and myself and I grab the eggs bowl and the bacon plate, setting them down in the center of the table.

"Rue, can you help me?" I pick her up out of her chair and she huffs, stomping up to the cabinet where the glasses are.

"Just like Katniss?" Haymitch chuckles, scooping up a plateful of eggs for him.

"Just like Katniss." I agree, sitting down in my spot and grab a couple pieces of bacon for myself, waiting for the spoon for the eggs. Katniss comes down with Finn in her arms a couple minutes later and Haymitch stands up, smiling brightly.

"How's my little Finn doing?" Finn gurgles and buries his face in Katniss neck. She laughs, setting him down in his chair.

"What's the matter little guy? You always are talking my ear off!" Katniss jokes as she grabs some food for herself.

"Just like Peeta." Haymitch agrees, standing up. He belches, turning towards the door. "Thanks for breakfast but I have to go see Hiytra, I'm bringing her to the train station today." Katniss smirks at our neighbor, remembering how she had introduced Haymitch and Hiytra together.

Katniss turns back to the table, then frowns. "What, no cheesy buns?"

Haymitch cackles as he walks out the front door. "I think you have enough buns in the oven for a lifetime, sweetheart!" He slams the door shut and Katniss growls, but a smirk is on her face.

"Wa dos mea mama?" Finn gurgles out, sticking his hands into his eggs on his plate. "Eat with your fork Finn." Katniss scolds, wiping off his face. "And forget what he said before. It's not important." She meets my eyes and I place a hand over my mouth to hide a grin. She rolls her eyes, glaring at me.

Rue huffs, still glaring at her breakfast and Katniss sighs. "What's the matter Rue?" Rue frowns and mumbles, "Daddy made me do all the work this morning." Katniss raises an eyebrow at me and I shake my head, mouthing, "Only glasses." She nods and looks back at Rue. "But baby girl, that means that you're growing up before my eyes! Soon you'll be getting all the game for us. And I'll be sitting at home, all fat and old." She pokes Rue in the stomach and Rue giggles, her anger gone.

"I'm going to be Mommy when I grow up!" Rue tells me, looking excited, her anger at me gone. I raise an eyebrow. "Really?"

She nods, taking a big bite out from her piece of bacon; little bits on her nose and chin, her eyes alight with excitement.

"Dada!" Finn cries, slamming his fists on his plate. Katniss is still pale from before from Rue's comment and she says nothing as she wipes her face from the eggs. The tension in the room is so great for the rest of breakfast and Katniss won't meet my eyes. Finally, I've had enough of this and I stand up to clear my spot at the table and to make an announcement.

"We're going on a picnic today." Katniss looks up at me sharply and Finn and Rue cheer. They always have liked picnics.

"Peeta-" "Yea!"

I hold up a hand. "We're going on a picnic." I gaze deep into Katniss' eyes.

That's final.

She huffs and clears her spot, handing her plate to me harshly and grabbing hold of Finn to dress him for the autumn breeze in the Meadow.

"Rue Rose Mellark, you are not wearing your dress for the trip today, dress in something warmer." Katniss says as she storms up the stairs.

"Daddy, will you help me?" Rue looks up at me with her blue eyes, like looking at myself in a mirror, and I nod, clearing her place.

"Get ready and I'll be up there in a few minutes." She nods, scoots out of her chair, and runs up the stairs to her room. I try to block Katniss' anger from my mind as I quickly wash the dishes, drying my hands on a towel as I walk up the stairs to Rue's room.

She has probably half of her closet laid out on her bed, dancing around the room, singing, "Picnic, picnic, we're going on a picnic."

"Hey baby girl." I knock on the frame of her door. She looks up, a positively glowing look on her face.

"Daddy! We're going on a picnic!" She twirls around and falls onto her bed, laughing brightly.

_At least someone's excited about this. _I sigh as I think of Katniss' furious face as she had stomped upstairs. I shake my head as I walk over to her bed and sit down, lying on my elbow and wave a hand.

"Let me see you, model." I smile gently as Rue presses different outfits to her chest, twirling around in front of the mirror, frowning slightly, her brown hair like a fan around her face as she turns around again.

She drops that outfit she was modeling and grabs another one. One that makes my breath start to accelerate, my vision turn shiny around the corners.

I know that the outfit is a golden orange, but the way that the sun is hitting her hair and the tights and dress shine brightly in the sun because of the sequences she looks like she's on fire.

And the first time I'd seen her on fire was at our interviews for the Hunger Games. She twirled around and smiled so brightly that I had been mesmerized, and I hadn't felt nervous about proclaiming my love for her.

But then, afterwards, she had mocked me to no end, the dark side of her coming out. Her eyes had been blood red, and the snarl on her face looked almost feral as she growled out, "Little Peeta Mellark and his little love for me. Gale was a better lover than you ever will be-"

"Peeta!" Katniss shouts, shaking me out of my episode. Finn and Rue are watching me with wide eyes and I see that I was this close to strangling Katniss in our living room. Finn starts to cry, and Rue brings him outside, mumbling that she'll be at the Meadow.

I slump onto the couch, shaking hard, hanging my head in my hands. Katniss sits next to me, laying her head on my shoulder.

"Katniss, I love you so much, you know that right?" She nods, pulling my head out from my hands to look me in the eye.

"Peeta, what's wrong?"

I shudder, then whisper, "There will always be much worse games to play." I grab her hand, to bring her out to the Meadow, where our children play.

* * *

_They play in the Meadow. The dancing girl with the dark hair and the blue eyes. They boy with the blonde curls and gray eyes, struggling to keep up with her on his chubby toddler legs._

I nod, trying desperately to capture that moment this afternoon and paint it all onto the last page of our memory book.

_It took five, ten, fifteen years for me to agree. But Peeta wanted them so badly. When I first felt her stirring inside of me, I was consumed with a terror that felt as old as life itself. Only the joy of holding her in my arms could tame it. Carrying him was a little easier, but not much._

I capture the way Rue's bottom lip curves downward when she's happy, the way her gray eyes light up when we talk about her favorite bow.

I capture Finn's little smirk, his chubby cheeks with his two front teeth.

_The questions are just beginning. The arenas have been completely destroyed, the memorials built; there are no more Hunger Games. But they teach about them in school, and the girl knows we played a role in them. They boy will know in a few years. How can I tell them about that world without frightening them to death?_

We don't say our children's names in the book, for fear the games will come back, or the press will find out we had kids. We've kept a secret this long, but we need to be safe.

_My children, who take the words of the song for granted:_

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow,_

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow,_

_Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes,_

_And when they open, the sun will rise._

_Here it's safe, here it's warm,_

_Here the daises guard you from every harm,_

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true,_

_Here is the place where I love you._

I draw Primrose dancing around the Meadow, a content smile on her peaceful face, her head tilted towards the sun, no signs of the awful death that awaited her.

And Rue, jumping through the trees, a flock of Mockingjays following her as she sings her song over and over, soothing the wounded along with Prim.

Katniss cries when she sees the picture but steels herself to continue writing without getting her tears on the paper, which is getting quite full.

_My children, who don't know they play on a graveyard. Peeta says it will be okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver. But one day I'll have to explain about my nightmares._

_Why they came._

_Why they won't ever really go away._

I rub Katniss's back as I gently take the book from her, read what she wrote, and draw her nightmares along with mine. Katniss's blood soiling my hands as hers cover mine, her delicate hands covered with the blood of the nation.

Her blood red eyes, haunting me even now. Rue's death glare as she screams obscenities at Katniss, cursing her for winning.

_I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do._

I draw Rue, my Rue, dead by the hands of Cato, his eyes gleaming as he laughs proudly, finally bringing honor to his phantom District. She was Katniss, I was dead.

She was his last obstacle to get to the top.

To be the Victor of the Hunger Games.

_It's like a game._

_Repetitive._

_Even a little tedious after more than twenty years._

My breath hitches as I underline and bolden the last sentence she wrote before we christen it with sea water and seal it shut, finally after twenty years we have finally paid back our portion of memories to the lost and fallen.

Our own little memorial.

And as I lay my head down on my pillow that night, her last words on the book still ring in my mind, even in my peaceful dream.

_But there are much worse games to play._

* * *

A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, or any of it's characters.

I certainly do not own the epilogue to Mockingjay. The words in italics at the end are from Mockingjay.

And there was my attempt at humor. Hmm. I need to get out more. :P

Please R&R!


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